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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Mom's LiveJournal:

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Sunday, February 16th, 2003
9:24 am
Sunday Morning
Good morning, everyone. We woke to very cold temps here, it was supposed to be record lows (-15). I don't know what it was, the digital thermometer stopped at 3 and is flashing, so something is not working right.

I decided to visit LJ land and update some of my journal. I've changed some of my friends, although my interests haven't changed I found that some of the communities I was in were very verbose and I didn't often take the time to read them. I don't see much sense in skipping the entries on a friends page, so if you are there, you will be read. Maybe not daily, but I do catch up every so often.

The newest thing in my life is the arrival of my stepdaughter. She's here for at least a year while her mom tries to make some order of her life.

Dreams lately have been about running from things and trying to divert disaster. In my life I'm struggling with how far to pursue my ex in child support. He's 9 and 1/2 months behind on support checks, and owes a lot of health care / insurance support. He took a couple of the boys in January for a night, and the last overnight he had with them was in August. The youngest won't even talk to him right now. Part of me wants to just ignore it and keep him out of my life, being proud that I can support the boys on my own. Another part wants to fight for what the boys rightly deserve. The last part wants to wreak havoc and destruction upon my ex and his soon-to-be wife. He's marrying on 3/3/03, a date they chose so they can remember the date. The evil part of me wants to see them get what I think they deserve...another divorce and unhappiness, but my guilt stops me from actually wishing it upon them.

I've been goofing off on line all morning, it's probably about time to go do something creative. Have a good day, all.

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Monday, December 23rd, 2002
9:09 am
UNBELIEVABLE
Perusing my desk here at work, I see that the small calendar setting to my left is still on November. Where has the time gone? Today's my last day at work until Jan 2! I can hardly believe another year has slipped by. The older I get, the faster it goes. And to top it off...I think it's now time for glasses. They say that once you hit forty the eyes go. At least for that one item I am on schedule.

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Tuesday, December 17th, 2002
4:29 pm
Vitamin B12
What do you know about it?

B12 Anemia.

Yep - still kicking here.

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Sunday, August 18th, 2002
12:53 pm
fwiw
just in case anyone has considered antidepressants, i wish to offer a word of encouragement. i struggled with the thought of taking them for about 2 years. when it got bad enough a couple of months ago that i was considering quitting my job and ending my relationship, and i was angry and cynical all the time, and i had resigned from my responsibilities at church, i started to doubt that my life would ever be happy again. i've now been on zoloft for about 7 weeks, and all i can say is "what a difference." colors are brighter, i'm laughing at jokes, i'm more relaxed, i'm happier, and the little things that used to eat away at me no longer bother me. i break out singing at odd moments - and i'm feeling much younger and happier, almost bubbly. at the same time, i don't think that my personality is any different - i am still "me." i'm back to the "me" i was several years ago. sure, people still do things that irritate me, but i don't become consumed by it, i can let the little things go now. i still haven't told my family about it - so i know there's shame in using antidepressants, but i just wanted to say that i'm glad i talked to my doctor about it.

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Tuesday, July 9th, 2002
3:32 pm
ye gods, what a mouth
i've become a bitter cynical person...i think. it may be that i have always been this person, it seems to fit quit well at times!

lately things are blurting out of my mouth without much thought - also new to me.

for example - grandma keeps asking the 10 year old if she has to go to the bathroom. 10 year old keeps saying "no", so grandma turns to me and says "don't you think she should go to the bathroom?" my reply...." if i have to worry about whether or not a 10 year old knows when she has to go to the bathroom i'll just put a diaper on her and be done with it!"

another example - 10 year old and grandma are fighting, both yelling. 10 year old runs to me saying "grandma says i'm yelling at her, but she's the one yelling at me..." my reply...."i'm about ready to yell at all three of you" (including her father).

i blew up the other night, maybe with a bit of progress. 10 year old wouldn't go to bed, father banged his head on a cupboard, got frustrated and yelled at the 10 year old. he then spent 10 minutes apologizing to her for yelling. my reply "WTF?!?! she's the one who owes you the apology - - -she was supposed to have been in bed 20 minutes ago!"

my kids ask why this 10 year old doesn't have to behave, why can she be rude, why can grandma be a nag, etc.

i blew up. 8 more years of summers doing this, 1/6 of my life being angry and irritable and losing admiration for my partner - it's got to change or there won't be a next year.

i told him this. then got upset at myself for being so angry about it. however, i do believe he should be informed on the matter so he knows exactly where i stand on the matter.

one bright spot - he heard what i said, and really is trying to be a better father - setting boundaries while being loving. much better than no boundaries and being upset at being violated and taken advantage of.

that's the one thing that really drew me to him - he's not scared to try something he's never tried before.

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Monday, July 1st, 2002
7:26 am
ah - chiropractor today. let's hope he does something helpful. it's been 2 1/2 weeks of this lower back pain. he'll probably just tell me it's due to some extra weight, but better to face reality than be in a painful dream state.

do you ever wonder if the roots of our problems are in the stars? i'm a virgo - critical and demanding, needing to be in control....and i wonder if i were only born a month earlier or later would i be more laid back....okay, so not if i were a month earlier, but a month later might work.

went to bed early yesterday - i got from the couch to get a shower, and when i came back my partner's daughter had taken my spot by his side - there had been three of us on the couch with him in the middle, but they had taken over my space while I was out. grumpy me - not about to reclaim my spot.

stupid me - jealous of a 10 year old. he cuddles more with her than with me, but i'm not very loveable lately, either. when he was kissing her hair i got up to take a break - i remember snuggling with my boys but for some reason an adult male resting his face in his child's hair for several moments and then kissing her hair makes me sick. i'm glad he loves her, and i'm glad they aren't afraid to show affection, and i'm glad she's able to work out the conflicting feelings of anger and lover for her dad. as an adult i can't do that - i get too stuck in my anger. it's my virgo trait i most dislike, but at the same time i love the protection it affords.

did i say i'm glad it's monday so i can go to the chiropractor?...i hope he can do something so i can sit up straight. on with the day, hope everyone else's is wonderful.

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Sunday, June 30th, 2002
4:30 pm
waiting....
complain, complain, complian - we've been waiting on the ex all yesterday and again today for him to come get a child. I've nothing nice to say about him right now. he's also behind on 2 child support checks.

loading up the laundry today i came to the realization that most people are stupid to ever have kids. i'm watching my partner's daughter trying to cope - neither parent is much of a parent, grandma is nagging all the time - why have a kid if no one is mature enough to be a good parent. and me - why did i have kids with "him"? what poor decision making i had - chosing this person to be their father. it's a wonder so many of us ever survive.

bad day - partner's work supervisor is jerking him around with unbelievable hours changed at the last minute, my sister got laid off, i am frustrated with my boss, grandma was gone for two days but is home now chiding the child every two minutes...

i'm ready for a vacation. i need a break, some peace and quiet.

things only happen if i make them....so i'd better jump to it.

- at least i have a clean freezer now full of good things - yesterday was productive.

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Saturday, June 29th, 2002
6:47 am
mother of four
i'm mother of four for the summer.

today we do groceries. the freezer is getting low - hrmmmm, i dreamt of defrosting a fridge last night.....well, defrosting two, really. that sounds like a great idea before filling it up again.

i see a chiropractor on monday - my back has been grieving me for over two weeks - usually problems only last a day or two. i've never been to a chiropractor, so it should be an experience.

wednesday we'll watch fireworks at the local park - weather permitting. it should be fine - actually we're supposed to have a heat wave starting on sunday. a heat wave is 3 days over 90 degrees (F, obviously) it has been hot here, and it's finally getting dry enough that farmers have been doing hay and have most of the corn planted. some are going to plant sorghum rather than corn, as it's too late for most corn.

thursday (our national holiday) we'll go to a family gathering at the lake. dad has an inflatable tube for pulling behind the boat, the boys may also try the kneeboard or water skis.

next saturday we plan to go to the rennaissance festival (http://sterlingfestival.com/renfest/) as we have tickets to buy-one-get-one-free for that day.

oldest son takes driver's ed starting on monday - it will be every day for a month. we have to check out his bike so he can get to his class - either that or he'll have to sit around a couple of hours so i can drive him up before i go to work, and maybe he can catch a ride home. it will not be an easy month.

okay - off to water the flowers, see if i can defrost the freezer, check out the bike, prepare breakfast, and on with the day. i hope everyone else has a good day.

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Monday, June 24th, 2002
4:16 pm
still moving
life has been rather blah - the usual problems with the usual solutions, and no one being pleased but no one upset enough to change it. same old same old.

i've been undergoing some personal assessments at work - for various reasons. on the one hand i'm happy with the results - showing that i'm not crazy but only at a stage of development that many people never acheive. this explains why i get unhappy at work, i'm trying to make meaning out of my conversations and relationships, trying to find a more spiritual understanding, trying to access my inner knowledge and finding a way to maintain my integrity while still working in the world. i'm trying to honor my individuality and get frustrated with narrowminded people. on the one hand i'm happy, on the other i'm feeling rather selfish.

it's all bringing me to be rather unhappy at work and rather unhappy in my relationships. i don't want to be the rodent running in circles, i want my life to make meaning, and i'm in a job where it really can make meaning, but not unless those above me let me. and all i've gotten lately is criticism.

i'm an introvert, and i told my boss i'd like to be more comfortable in social situations with peers. as i say, i'm an introvert - an extreme introvert.

that discussion led to her telling me i've got serious problems and don't make a good team member. i need to work on being a team member.

my life is communication, and saying things the in a way that they can be heard. the problem has been that i've gotten exhausted and the people i work with are sometimes dingbats and i've gotten tired of humoring them and constantly putting my concerns on hold. i have quit holding back on my needs.

women are not supposed to do this. i work at a university where men are able to do the things i do, and no one complains because they are men. but i am female, and can't make waves. my boss won't let me - because she's being shafted in this place making less money than newly hired males working at her level, and she's been here 9 years. i think she's threatened by my voice, because she doesn't want to have her own. therefore i need to stop making waves, complaining about injustices, working with reality and not putting up with nonsense. in other words, i need to be an ineffective follow-the leader male-pleasing female. and i can't do that and feel good about myself.

overall she rated my performance as 3 out of 5 (3's and 4's, with a couple of 2's on teamwork). however, eventhough it averages over a 3, she only gave me a 2 on my evaluation. so i refused to sign it. she's now frustrated and she's taken it up to a 3, but is upset with me. my thoughts are - if she rates me a 2 on my overall eval - meaning that i don't perform up to expectations or standards and don't seek training for improvement - then i should just quit my job.

i'm considering it. i used to adore my job, it was a dream job, but lately i've been unhappy. i know why - she's silencing me so that she can keep things smooth for her transition in life - she's going to be pulling back on responsibilities and wants me to take over some so that her supervisors don't get on her back...but criticizing me about the ways that i'm not good enough (when i'm better than everyone else around here on that skill) is not the way to do it.

blargh....i'm just tired of it.

yeah, i'm still here. not writing much, cuz there's nothing nice to say.

i wrote a long letter to my partner about my feelings, but he's not there...he doesn't understand. i've had no reply. he won't talk about it, he won't write to me. i sit here and take care of his daughter and mother while he's in lala land. it was rather sad - last night i was telling him how i'd draw us as a family. i'd draw me with my kids close, and his daughter a couple of feet from us, and him several feet away on the other side. i'm closer to his daughter than to him, and i've only known the girl for a month.

but i don't think men are capable of any more. i try to talk, they say they don't know how to fix it so they do nothing. doing nothing leaves me all alone. why don't men even try?

but if i'm at a strange level of trying to find integrity in my individuality and making meaning in my communications and relationships, but only 5% of the population can do this - aren't i just looking for the impossible? as i say - on the one hand the assessments i'm taking are good because they are telling me i'm in a time of transition and transitions are hard. on the other hand they highlight that i really am alone, that the loneliness is not just an illusion.

that it won't or can't get better.

the solution is to become a spiritual fruit case, totally immersed in myself and the moment, and not needing connection with people, just god/goddess. at least that is my frustrated and ignorant conclusion.

i'd really like to find excitment in my life again. be happy. find meaning. make sense. feel whole. i don't like to complain, and i'm not really complaining. i'm just feeling alone, misunderstood, and powerless.

and being honest, truthful, fully present in the moment in my reality is often viewed as being critical.

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Thursday, June 6th, 2002
7:34 am
Thought for the day.
Life is not a movie. Love is not enough.

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Thursday, April 4th, 2002
6:03 pm
Ecstasy - I have a loaf of italian bread with "everything" - the loaf is topped with poppy seeds, sesame seeds, onions and spices, and I'm putting parmesan cheese on it!

You may take my cakes, you may take my chocolate, but don't you dare touch my bread! (but there is enough to share if anyone's interested)

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Friday, March 22nd, 2002
11:15 am
I got a call from a friend yesterday, her dad is very sick and probably only has a few days left. It's not a happy situation at all - he has amyloidosis which causes waxy protein deposits in various places. His deposits are in his heart, and his heart is turning to rock, solid, hard, no flexibility. Of course this leads to heart failure, and yesterday he signed a DNR. I can imagine being healthy and filling out that sort of paperwork, but being only days from death and signing that sort of paperwork must be incredibly hard to do. He knows it's the end. He's only 71, and 6 months ago was very physical and active. He and his father (in his 90's) have kept up the tradition of digging graves by hand - on a volunteer basis. The kids are taking this hard, as they should. We call him Grandpa, even though we aren't actually related. He's always been there for holidays, birthdays, etc.

Therefore I'm ready to take off at a moment's notice to support my friend. She was there for me when I lost my mother.

I know a few journalists who have mentioned having more than one journal. Well, a couple of days ago I finally went back and deleted every entry in my first journal. I "deleted" that journal way back in november or december, but it was still able to be undeleted. There were a lot of entries there that had the power to haunt me and remind me of some difficult times, over 15 months of struggles, heart aches, and trivial comments. I went through and quickly deleted every single entry, one at a time, fighting the urge to re-read of those days. I really want to put some of that misery behind me. That other journal is now gone, and I'm Moving On!

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Thursday, March 21st, 2002
12:27 pm
Intriguing


Which tarot card are you?


Thanks for the link, Ysabel

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Friday, March 8th, 2002
1:36 pm

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8:46 am

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Thursday, March 7th, 2002
12:36 pm
guilt
Lately I've been feeling torn again between anger and guilt and understanding - but at least this being torn is a three-way rather than a two-way pulling. It is more stable, less rocking back and forth.

I'm still angry that I had to deal with a lot of garbage from being in relationship with a tg husband who wouldn't face the issue honestly. At the same time, I have some understanding of why e couldn't face it. And now I'm also having guilt that even though I can understand the ex, I'm still angry and the wounds of my own existential crisis which came out of a lot of sexual problems and insecurities are now affecting my current relationship more than I thought they would. I still have a lot of healing to do. On the one hand I blame my ex for causing it, on the other hand I totally understand. I feel stuck.

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Monday, March 4th, 2002
4:36 pm
Butterflies in my ears
The fluttering in my ears will drive me crazy. I was feeling better (but not good) until this AM, when I was stuffy-headed as bad as a week ago. Now my ear is fluttering! I have a lot of phone calls to make for work, but the calls I have attempted haven't been loud enough for the person on the other end...I am getting laryngitis (how do you spell that?) I can't hear. I cough til I'm exhausted...what a year. I suppose that the weather has been too warm to kill whatever virus is out there. Several areas of NY state got lots of snow last night, several schools were even closed, but not here. No snow at all.

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Thursday, February 28th, 2002
4:33 pm
antibiotics are good. I've had this flu so long I went to the MD- he's treating me for a sinus infection. I've never had one before. Also gave me cough syrup with codeine - hopefully I'll sleep tonight - I haven't slept more than 30 minutes at a stretch the past few nights.

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8:36 am
Question of the day...
Is anyone in a couple relationship where each of you totally runs your own money? Is anyone in a relationship where one partner makes large personal purchases ($150 or more) without consulting with the other? I'm just wondering if I'm being unreasonable because we live in my dad's house, someday it will be mine. Instead of rent I put a lot into home repairs. My partner doesn't put anything toward the house, but he can purchase lots of large stuff for himself - in the past three weeks he's purchased expensive software and a hand-held scanner - each well over $150 - and each without telling me about it. Should I be suspicious of his secrecy? Am I being unreasonable when irritated about it?

It wouldn't bother me if it was needed clothing, but his purchase of "toys" when we have so many more needs is frustrating. His mother and daughter will be visiting this summer and we need to remodel a room for one of them - is it wrong to expect him to contribute toward this expense when I wouldn't be having the expense if it weren't for him?

Oh, he plans on a large purchase of a bass and amplifier - $900!

I guess I'm out of luck.

Am I being unreasonable? Are there committed relationships where this type of behavior is accepted?

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Wednesday, February 27th, 2002
9:52 pm
The other day - I think it was yesterday - someone posted something at the transgender community, and I went back today to reply to hir. E reminded me so much of my ex, struggling to control the crossdressing, fearing that e'd never find someone to accept hir and love hir as e is. I had very mixed feelings - knowing that I was unable to support my ex through all that, understanding what it's like to be me in that situation, but also understanding somewhat what the other person was going through. I wanted to reach out and connect with this person, but they seem to have removed their post! I feel really bad. e needed some help and I put them on the back burner and now they're gone! I hope that e finds peace. I hope e finds someone who understands and doesn't wait til it's too late to reach out.

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