Mom (moving_on) wrote,

still moving

life has been rather blah - the usual problems with the usual solutions, and no one being pleased but no one upset enough to change it. same old same old.

i've been undergoing some personal assessments at work - for various reasons. on the one hand i'm happy with the results - showing that i'm not crazy but only at a stage of development that many people never acheive. this explains why i get unhappy at work, i'm trying to make meaning out of my conversations and relationships, trying to find a more spiritual understanding, trying to access my inner knowledge and finding a way to maintain my integrity while still working in the world. i'm trying to honor my individuality and get frustrated with narrowminded people. on the one hand i'm happy, on the other i'm feeling rather selfish.

it's all bringing me to be rather unhappy at work and rather unhappy in my relationships. i don't want to be the rodent running in circles, i want my life to make meaning, and i'm in a job where it really can make meaning, but not unless those above me let me. and all i've gotten lately is criticism.

i'm an introvert, and i told my boss i'd like to be more comfortable in social situations with peers. as i say, i'm an introvert - an extreme introvert.

that discussion led to her telling me i've got serious problems and don't make a good team member. i need to work on being a team member.

my life is communication, and saying things the in a way that they can be heard. the problem has been that i've gotten exhausted and the people i work with are sometimes dingbats and i've gotten tired of humoring them and constantly putting my concerns on hold. i have quit holding back on my needs.

women are not supposed to do this. i work at a university where men are able to do the things i do, and no one complains because they are men. but i am female, and can't make waves. my boss won't let me - because she's being shafted in this place making less money than newly hired males working at her level, and she's been here 9 years. i think she's threatened by my voice, because she doesn't want to have her own. therefore i need to stop making waves, complaining about injustices, working with reality and not putting up with nonsense. in other words, i need to be an ineffective follow-the leader male-pleasing female. and i can't do that and feel good about myself.

overall she rated my performance as 3 out of 5 (3's and 4's, with a couple of 2's on teamwork). however, eventhough it averages over a 3, she only gave me a 2 on my evaluation. so i refused to sign it. she's now frustrated and she's taken it up to a 3, but is upset with me. my thoughts are - if she rates me a 2 on my overall eval - meaning that i don't perform up to expectations or standards and don't seek training for improvement - then i should just quit my job.

i'm considering it. i used to adore my job, it was a dream job, but lately i've been unhappy. i know why - she's silencing me so that she can keep things smooth for her transition in life - she's going to be pulling back on responsibilities and wants me to take over some so that her supervisors don't get on her back...but criticizing me about the ways that i'm not good enough (when i'm better than everyone else around here on that skill) is not the way to do it.

blargh....i'm just tired of it.

yeah, i'm still here. not writing much, cuz there's nothing nice to say.

i wrote a long letter to my partner about my feelings, but he's not there...he doesn't understand. i've had no reply. he won't talk about it, he won't write to me. i sit here and take care of his daughter and mother while he's in lala land. it was rather sad - last night i was telling him how i'd draw us as a family. i'd draw me with my kids close, and his daughter a couple of feet from us, and him several feet away on the other side. i'm closer to his daughter than to him, and i've only known the girl for a month.

but i don't think men are capable of any more. i try to talk, they say they don't know how to fix it so they do nothing. doing nothing leaves me all alone. why don't men even try?

but if i'm at a strange level of trying to find integrity in my individuality and making meaning in my communications and relationships, but only 5% of the population can do this - aren't i just looking for the impossible? as i say - on the one hand the assessments i'm taking are good because they are telling me i'm in a time of transition and transitions are hard. on the other hand they highlight that i really am alone, that the loneliness is not just an illusion.

that it won't or can't get better.

the solution is to become a spiritual fruit case, totally immersed in myself and the moment, and not needing connection with people, just god/goddess. at least that is my frustrated and ignorant conclusion.

i'd really like to find excitment in my life again. be happy. find meaning. make sense. feel whole. i don't like to complain, and i'm not really complaining. i'm just feeling alone, misunderstood, and powerless.

and being honest, truthful, fully present in the moment in my reality is often viewed as being critical.
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