Mom (moving_on) wrote,
Mom
moving_on

ye gods, what a mouth

i've become a bitter cynical person...i think. it may be that i have always been this person, it seems to fit quit well at times!

lately things are blurting out of my mouth without much thought - also new to me.

for example - grandma keeps asking the 10 year old if she has to go to the bathroom. 10 year old keeps saying "no", so grandma turns to me and says "don't you think she should go to the bathroom?" my reply...." if i have to worry about whether or not a 10 year old knows when she has to go to the bathroom i'll just put a diaper on her and be done with it!"

another example - 10 year old and grandma are fighting, both yelling. 10 year old runs to me saying "grandma says i'm yelling at her, but she's the one yelling at me..." my reply...."i'm about ready to yell at all three of you" (including her father).

i blew up the other night, maybe with a bit of progress. 10 year old wouldn't go to bed, father banged his head on a cupboard, got frustrated and yelled at the 10 year old. he then spent 10 minutes apologizing to her for yelling. my reply "WTF?!?! she's the one who owes you the apology - - -she was supposed to have been in bed 20 minutes ago!"

my kids ask why this 10 year old doesn't have to behave, why can she be rude, why can grandma be a nag, etc.

i blew up. 8 more years of summers doing this, 1/6 of my life being angry and irritable and losing admiration for my partner - it's got to change or there won't be a next year.

i told him this. then got upset at myself for being so angry about it. however, i do believe he should be informed on the matter so he knows exactly where i stand on the matter.

one bright spot - he heard what i said, and really is trying to be a better father - setting boundaries while being loving. much better than no boundaries and being upset at being violated and taken advantage of.

that's the one thing that really drew me to him - he's not scared to try something he's never tried before.
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Interesting. Grandma seems to be annoying you. Is this HER grandma. Do you think granny is trying to see if you care about the girl? Perhaps you caould ask what her 'real' motives are. Is she thinking that you wouldn't want to care for adopted children, as much as your own? you might ask. Maybe she is against the separation of her mother. Is she maternal grandma? I believe she is paternal. She might believe that you are helping her son justify his divorce/separation. Whatever, it seems to be a subtle niggling hint of something not yet spelt out.

Your response, we are reading about here. A part of you surfacing. Impatience perhaps. Deep guilt or concern. Perhaps you are doubting your own ability. Perhaps you agree but want to wait until you can assess. Ganny might want answers that you are yet to find out yourself. How does one handle that?

What does your answer mean? Not literally, but emotionally. 'Mind your own business', or 'I know what I am doing', etc. If you think you are wasting your time on her silly questions, you can ignore. But passive aggressiveness is no solution. Your answer is another subtle game - her game.

Perhaps this is the first time someone has engaged you in this game for a long time. And you instinctively play.

As for yelling. Yes, 10 year old is correct. However, so is granny. Granny yelling justifies 10 year doing so. But granny ignores her own behaviour, believing she is justified. Only 10 year old is required to stop.
Granny needs to justify her actions, because she is older and supposed to be more mature. How can you address that? Perhaps in private. It's your house, so YOU are boss. Granny is welcome to stay. Granny must abide your rules. Granny, indeed anyone, can make mistake. She only has to recognise that. However, she might justify with, "I asked her 3 times, and she couldn't hear until I yelled'.
My answer would be 'patience, please'. Ok to raise voice, but better to look directly at her, hold her, speak slower, etc. first. If Granny resents being told, then ask her. 'Instead of yelling, what else could you have done?'.
Your answer sounds like you, too, were losing patience.

10 year old is the insecure one. She is looking for love and protection. They test authority. She misbehaves because, 1. She is scared. 2. She saw it in her former home, and 3. She has many questions. Time will heal it ( 6 months should see noticible changes). Meanwhile, firm authority. Caring and protection are needed.
Why should she go to bed before the others. Many solutions. 1. Turn off lights and go to bed. Leave her in dark. 2. Pick her up and take her. 3. Spend time, patiently, asking her. She will justify 'not tired', etc. Can you justify her going to bed. You are tired (if her !), going to bed too, want to talk privately, etc. Ask yourself why she really has to go. She she can get up early, etc.

I think he has to learn, and knows it, and wants to, what went wrong before. he has to undo past mistakes. He has to make those mistakes, and see how YOU handle it. Hopefully, this time, he'll learn what years of trying before failed.

That's MY thinking on this, based partly on my own experience, and on education.